[Movie Review] SPEED RACER

Warner Brothers are probably a little pissed off right now. And by “little” I mean “enormously”. It’s the same barometer of measurement I use with my penis, a reference I add for no other reason then to niggle my good friend Porter who hates me filling my reviews with such comments! However, as pissed off as Warners may well be, they’ve really only got themselves to blame.

They handed approximately $200 million to The Wachowski Brothers, who’ve made two good/great movies out of four, to make a “living cartoon” and given them creative carte blanche in the process; which worked wonders for the brother’s Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions did it not? Surely those sequel receipts can’t mean THAT much to you at Warners can it? The Wachowski Brothers are now sat in their sadomasochistic sex palace, hiding behind the curtains, drowning in their delusions of being modern day “Kubrick-types”, laughing and shouting “Suckers!” whilst Joel Silver sucks their toes and whimpers “Shall we remake Howard The Duck? I can get you a $400 million budget. You can say it was a big part of your childhood and I can talk it up as being a ‘bar-raiser’ in terms of cinema?”

Come on peeps, you lot are not a particular unintelligent lot, you know where this review is going right?

Brothers Wachowski / Mr Joel Silver:

Take a look at this little tag:

Or this:

Or this:

Hell, you could only even dream of this:

Take a long, long, long hard look at those “bad boys” because that is the closest you will EVER get to having them associated to your film, believe you me!

Yours Sincerely

GAZZ

PS

Larry Wachowski Sir? I haven’t seen my Gimp in three weeks. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you? Just asking!

This is a film minus any sense of integrity towards its intended audience. This abomination is a “family film”? Bullshit! Taking the Harry Potter franchise aside, which aren’t really - in my opinion - for the under tens anyway, name me a kids flick that rolls in at two and a half hours (plus trailers, adverts etc.) and consists of flashbacks, incoherent subplotting and the occasional barrage of epilepsy inducing ballastic car racing sequences that bring about a degree of boredom you never thought possible.

I caught this on a late Friday afternoon on the day of its release. I wasn’t particular excited about seeing it but I had the day off from work and I knew that it was going to fall on me to cover this because Wyverex… sorry, Gareth… tends to not do the “big” releases what with being married with kids and chained to the 2.4 existance (joke!) and Kristina is rushed off her feet at the moment. So I dragged my arse along and found the screening nigh on completely sold out with groups of kids and families. Normally I detest this sort of screening but I needed have worried;

… Within 25 minutes I estimated a walk out of just under twenty people. Fifteen minutes later, I clocked maybe double that. Soon, my enjoyment came not from this travesty of a blockbuster but from keeping a tally on my phone’s notepad of just how many people with children, or teenagers themselves, left the screening. I am not exaggerating when I reveal this: After the screening I went to the box office and asked how many seats my screen held on a sold out showing. The answer was 270 plus wheel chair slots. I asked how many tickets Speed Racer had sold, they said 196. I calculated the walkout up until fifteen minutes before the end as being a total of 127. I shit you not. Management at the Odeon stated that of that 127, 39 asked for their money back. All were given gift vouchers. I swear to God, I have never seen or experienced a reaction to a movie like this before. Hatred? Yes. Disappointment? Indeed. Mass Walkouts? Hell no!

But this all boils down to the fact that this is pretentious, arrogant unaccessable guff that twee audiences can’t get into and even young boys seemed to find stifingly dull. It’s unnecessarily long, ridiculously scripted and the design of the film is nothing short of idiotic in it’s over-the-top mentality that the makers think “defines” the film but completely destroys it.

Staff Writers at AICN, asides from Capone - a writer whose work I greatly enjoy - are talking this film up a storm. Don’t fall for the hype machine. I beg you. The acting on display in this film is not noteworthy. It’s an incredible embarrassment: Matthew Fox of Lost is not “impressive”. Christina Ricci truly is a joke. Emile Hirsch? Seriously dude, after the fantastic Into The Wild, what the hell possessed you?

The only thing warranting the ‘one popcorn’ reward for this film is the revelation that Susan Sarandon and John Goodman could literally work wonders in anything. They could film themselves flying a plane into the White House (something Sarandon probably dreams of nightly!) and still come away with great acclaim for their performances. They are the best things about this film. Then again, a tramp could turn up in this film and do performance art with his penis and he’d end up coming away with plaudits higher then most things in this movie!

My hatred for this movie runs deep, what can I say. But it doesn’t just start and stop at the movie. It’s the way it’s marketed to us and rammed in our faces as being a movie “for kids” and yet does everything possible to isolate them. I polled two random familes leaving the screen because the film had pissed me off that much and really wanted to know whether my opinion was a singular one. I asked a simple question - “Did you enjoy the film?” - and was met with the initial response of, firstly, “Well, it wasn’t really for kids was it?” and, secondly, “Not really no, we couldn’t concentrate on anything!”

That sums up Speed Racer - it’s a kid’s film with nothing, bar a series of car racing sequences that get more and more naff, ridiculous and barrier-like to the viewer as they go on, to offer but a lack of cohesion, a complete absence of intelligence and an excessive, torturous running time. If Joel Silver really wants to talk about “bar’s being raised” and so on and so forth then let me go toe-to-toe with him on this:

Iron Man raised the bar at the start of the “silly season”, first out of the gate, and set the standard to follow. Speed Racer just lowered it to the point that any and every film released over the Summer blockbuster period is going to be a classic in comparison. In fact, knowing that there’s a turkey in every Summer Blockbuster Season, then - Sarandon and Goodman aside - the only virtue Speed Racer posesses is that it has stepped up, expecting wild audience acclaim, and taken the “turkey” label off the table so early on!

The profit drop off on this movie over the next two weeks is going to be so huge that Ang Lee’s Hulk will stop being the by-word on such a matter. Just you watch.

Posted on Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 10:07 am under Movie Reviews (Theatrical) by Gazz.
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7 Responses to “[Movie Review] SPEED RACER”

Chris Said on May 13th, 2008 at 1:09 am 1

Man, gazz. Couldn’t disagree with you more. Speed Racer was aces. I loved every minute. In fact, I want to see it again.

And, why don’t you drop by my site for a look at our new, well, look.

Gareth Said on May 13th, 2008 at 8:51 am 2

Loving the new look Chris. Very professional! Makes me feel that I need to change the look of my site again! Curse you sir!

As for Speed Racer, I’m torn. I have no recollection of watching the cartoon when I was growing up but I do like the look of the movie. I’m still going to wait until the DVD release though - I’m saving my cinema going passes for Indy & TDK!

Chris Said on May 13th, 2008 at 11:58 pm 3

It’s all Kris’s work. But I’m quite happy with it.

Dude, the abbreviation’s for the Dark Knight are really screwing with me. Every time I see it, I think people are talking about audio tape.

Gazz Said on May 16th, 2008 at 7:41 pm 4

I watched this again on a screener and as much as I’d like to say my opinion was completely swung around… not so. I warmed to it a little bit more then I did the first time. I’d probably go so far as to push it up another half “popcorn” or maybe even a whole full one, but shit is still still, no matter how much you dress it up otherwise!

Saying that mind you, I positively HATED Ang Lee’s HULK and, years on and thanks to Grundy, I’m really kind of warming to it!

So, who knows, in five years time I could be completely sweet as a nut on this movie!

James Said on May 19th, 2008 at 4:06 pm 5

I knew Gazz would dislike this film because… I adored it. For me, this film had more visual flair, imagination, and wit than most studio produced fare. The cast were superb; the tone perfect in its Days of Thunder meets Rollerball meets Tron and millions of bags of Skittles exploding simultaneously way… But I am a Wachowski Brothers apologist who reads both Doc Frankenstein and Shaolin Cowboy on their Burlyman Entertainment imprint. I wouldn’t suck their toes or condone a remake of Howard The Duck but I’m onboard for pretty much anything else they try their hand at.

So far, Summer is 2-0 with this and Iron Man sticking the landing (apart from a muddled third act and its frsutrating misuse of Terrence Howard). But, when two genre films come out so perfectly formed you have to have high hopes for the remainder of the season.

Roll on Indy and The Dark Knight and The Pineapple Express.

Well done for taking one for the team though, Gazz. You sure didn’t have to!

Gazz Said on May 20th, 2008 at 6:29 pm 6

In my defence though James, the majority seem to be standing closer to my opinion then yours. Critics, box office and general word-of-mouth all back my original thought:

… This is a ****ing “niche” film made for a small, select group of die hard fanboys which I’m not in the least bit opposed to. What I am opposed to is the ludicrous amount of money spent on a film marketed as a “family film” when it is almost impossible to be considered as such due to running time, impenetrable and frustrating plot structures etc.

You never used to have a more passionate Wachowski fan then me, honest! I was the guy that championed - and still does - BOUND until the day was old and who, as someone who doesn’t get a lot out of the sci fi genre very often, fell head over heels for THE MATRIX.

But those sequels and this movie have really, really ****ed me off! I remember the period on the ATBs at Filmrot.com post-Matrix sequels with great fondness! There was NEVER a better sense of film geek community then back then when we had some of the most passionate discussions re those movies!

Anyway, to each their own mate. Somebody has got to love SPEED RACER (you!) in the same way that someone has got to have time for Tom Selleck’s HIGH ROAD TO CHINA (me!)

James Said on May 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am 7

Oh, I totally agree with you, Gazz, but I did enjoy the film all the same! I’m a moron, I’ve accepted it It’s strange because there are of course arthouse films that are close to unwatchable and it’s tolerated (to a point), these then find themselves a small, devoted audience over time. However, you’re right: there is something slightly distasteful about a film worth millions of dollars masquerading as family entertainment. But then again, I was glad to be watching entertainment that didn’t play so safe, or aim for a maturity its material didn’t require.

That said, do check out Doc Frankenstein which is their monthly comic book (They only write the introductions to Shaolin Cowboy) as that is a glimpse of the Wachowskis of old.

I watched Bound when it was on a couple nights back also. Fantastic film.

As for The High Road To China, how can people not like that?! It’s the same with Christopher Reeve in Somewhere In Time, another underrated gem.

We should write and direct a film together because the poster would be hilarious: ‘From the man who likes Speed Racer and the man who likes The High Road To China…’. That is a stamp of quality right there!