[Movie Review] SOUTHLAND TALES
Richard Kelly, I wish your mother had aborted you.
Awful. Shit. Garbage. Trash. Incoherent. Bumbling. Nonsensical. Boring. Crap. Agony. Tosh. I’d heard plenty of warning about how bad Southland Tales is, but nothing, NOTHING compares to experiencing this thing in person. Not that I’m recommending you seek this thing out. I would never in a million years inflict this kind of misery on another human being. This film is so miserable that I’m sure it’s being used in a torture chamber at Guantanamo Bay somewhere right now. If Bin Laden is ever caught, I suggest we leave him alone with this playing on a continuous loop. I guarantee he’ll hang himself before the first hour is over.
This is usually the part where I do a quick plot summary before I launch into my critique, but I honestly do not KNOW what the plot was. I do not know what the hell I just watched was. There’s some shit about the apocalypse, a government conspiracy, a porn star, a movie star, twin cops, cars that screw each other, a Marxist revolution, some completely out-of-nowhere revelation about putting monkeys through a time continuum portal and…I seriously don’t know what to say about this film’s plot. I have never been that lost in a film, and I’m not a stupid girl, not by any stretch of the imagination. I’m all for getting mindscrewed, but this is the equivalent of having my brain cuffed to the bed and raped over and over without a drop of lube. I felt pretty damn proud of myself in the beginning of the film, because I was following it fairly well. Then, Kelly adds on layer after layer after layer until I couldn’t tell who was who, why they were doing whatever the hell it was they were doing, and it doesn’t get any clearer as the film progresses. It is mind-numbing punishment of epic proportions.
How the HELL did Kelly convince so many people to participate in this monstrosity? Did he have some sort of salacious info on them that he threatened to release if they didn’t comply? Was resistance futile? What were these people thinking?! Top to bottom, they all suck. Justin Timberlake is AWFUL as a maimed soldier whose droning, banal voice narrates this awful film. Sarah Michelle Gellar makes no impression as Krysta Now, a conniving porn star. Seann William Scott looks like a scared child using the toilet for the first time. He sucks. And my future friend-with-benefits The Rock…jeez dude, I’ve read reviews claiming that he was the best thing about the movie, but those people were reaching for something that just ain’t there. He’s bland, wooden, HELLA over the top during supposedly “dramatic” scenes, and the little nervous tic that he does with his hands is beyond annoying. He keeps twiddling his damn fingers over and over and OVER again, and it drove me nuts. There’s some SNL folks here(Sheri Oteri and Amy Poehler) who SUCK the big suck. We’ve got Will Sasso from MADtv. He sucks. Miranda Richardson? Sucks! John Larroquette? Sucks! Bai Ling? Sucks! Are you getting the damn picture here? Name any actor in this film, and you’ll get the same answer. Sucky sucky suck suck suck!!!!!
I don’t think that I can impress upon you just how EPIC a failure this thing is. This movie tries to do ten million things at once and fails at every single one of them. It tries to be hip. FAILS. Tries to be relevant to current events. FAILS. Tries to be funny. FAILS. Tries to be sexy. FAILS. Tries to be intellectual. FAILS WITH A FRIGGIN’ VENGEANCE. This is an absolutely, gut-wrenching bad flick the likes of which I have never seen in my life. Even the shittiest of films have something, ANYTHING that is somewhat positive. This thing?! Oh no. This is a new brand, a new definition of the shitty film. I gave Dragon Wars zero popcorns, but compared to this, I should have given it at least one. This film is the new benchmark for shit. The 2 hour 15 minutes felt double that. You know how you were squirming in your seat during the first hour of King Kong Way Too Long 2005? Imagine doing that through an entire film. Imagine wanting to run from the room, run from your house, collapse into the yard and scream to your deity of choice, ” My(insert deity), my(insert deity), why hast thou FORSAKEN ME?!” That is what this film does.
This movie induced physical pain within my body. PHYSICAL PAIN. There’s a moment when my screen faded to black and I thought the pain was over, but then it came back for more, and I swear to you, my damn gut clenched and I had to stand for a second to ease the pain. Waterboarding ain’t got shit on this flick. Good grief it was AGONIZING. I think the best way to make my case is through the film’s star. You all know that I have the hots for The Rock. That man is just walking talking SEX. Even in a crappy flick like Doom, I could say, “Well, at least the Rock looked hot.” This movie is so horrible that I couldn’t even get giddy about the fact that he was walking around with no shirt on or in some nice suits. I couldn’t even drool over a good-looking man, for goodness’ sake, and that just isn’t like me at all;) Even Seann William Scott, who never floated my boat before, looked cute here, but I couldn’t enjoy it. Not even a half-nekkid Rock could save this film from the depths of the flames of film hell. The Rock. Half-NEKKID. Didn’t do jack for me. It really is the apocalypse.
ZERO POPCORNS
19 Responses to “[Movie Review] SOUTHLAND TALES”
Pimps don’t commit suicide. Never really cared for Donnie Darko, it was alright enough. So, I’m gonna pass on this one.
ZERO INTEREST FOR ME!
Great opening line though!
You just know that Richard Kelly’s mother read that line and was like “Too right!”
Just imagine, if that woman had done her duty and aborted mission, or at least used protection, this shit wouldn’t have ever happened. If only the butterfly effect were real, because I’d zap myself back in time, show up wherever she was when she conceived, and physically yank her outta there.
It’s just a movie, you revolting c**t.
How mature
Well he did censor ****.
Haha, that was funny as hell. I was looking forward to this, but found myself wondering how much was left. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what kind of point was being made with all the SNL crap, but that’s probably too much time spent on it, more than it deserves.
Well damn, nice to see you LF!
Thanks Wyv, had to see how my old friends have been. My illness has kept me out of the loop
Doing good buddy, doing good. Works keeping me busy, and with Christmas coming there seems to be less time in the day to get things done but apart from that it’s all good!
How you doing? You getting better?
I actually really liked this movie. I agree that it had a confusing plot with no clear beginning or end, but I liked it as an abstract comment on themes of oppression, and like, uh, god, and, um, The Rock’s biceps.
I can understand why some people may not get it, though.
Glad you got something out of it Ben, but to me, it felt like this film was a lost cause. All those stories about the film getting boooed incessantly at Cannes are completely true, I believe that now. And that Cannes cut was actually 30 minutes longer than what I had to endure! My God, I can only imagine how those poor people squirmed and writhed in their seats, begging for the pain to end.
An abstract comment on the theme of the Rocks biceps?!?! The mind boggles
Seriously, I know this has gotten slammed from all quarters but I am still going to subject myself to it when I get a chance – I’ve waited long enough to see it so I might as well! When I do finally get the chance I’ll chime in with some thoughts on it.
I’ve spent many a day thinking about those biceps, so………..:lol:
Are you guys retarded?
Southland Tales was superb, beautiful, amazing and fresh.
Even I understood what it was about.
I’ve seen it twice now and I think I will see it a third time with my girlfriend (she is also smarter than you guys, so I think she will get the movie.)
Peace.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dwayne Johnson and J.Timberlake are surprisingly talented actors; but i’m still trying to figure out what Southland Tales was about… maybe it’s really obvious, i.e. life in Los Angeles is blurred, cluttered, flashy and not always meaningful.
Jeez, that movie was simply fantastic, why do you guys make such crazy statements and doom that flick, keep watching popular things that dont twist your minds .
some critics are alright but this comment is simply wrong.
its just a movie, some kind of art, why do you bitch around like it was sth. important?
well, 4 outta 5 stars for this one.
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