[MOVIE REVIEW] RAMBO
Dear Mr Stallone.
I’m writing to you (well, I’m not really writing to you – I’m just pretending to by way of this review because the last time I did something of this type atop my review of Juno, I got a few complimentary e-mails telling me how funny it was!) to air just how disappointed I am in you and how let down I feel.
You see, I went to bat for you following the release of Rocky 6. I gave that film a solid review, dragged reluctant friends to the cinema to see it with me time after time, and – come its DVD release – I leant it out to everyone and anyone who’d initially doubted the film’s quality, whilst shouting “See? It’s actually pretty friggin’ good huh?” I even risked the wrath of sophisticated cineastes like Grundy and James by including it in my Top 25 of 2007, both of whom must have choked on their frappochinos when they saw how high I’d placed it let alone having placed it on there at all.
Then you’ve gone and released Rambo 4 (and used the subsequent publicity trail to talk up Cliffhanger 2 no less!) whilst incorporating the paying off of AICN staff members into your marketing budget, and I for one cannot get behind you with this flick. Sorry!
Rocky 6 didn’t embarrass you or anyone attached to it. But seeing a chunky (and that’s being polite!) version of you in a redneck wig and headband running around a forest embarrassed the hell out of me as a viewer so I can only imagine your cast are currently frantically calling their agents and screaming “Do NOT put this film on my CV. Just put down that I was in hospital with anal fissions or something!”
Yours in disappointment
GAZZ
PS
Before you go into production on your next movie you may want to consider removing Harry Knowles’ nose from your anus! Just a thought! Ta-Ta for now!
Rambo aka Rambo 4 aka Rambo: First Blood Part IV aka John Rambo aka Rambo: Pearl of the Cobra aka What The Fuckever is continually being spoken of as a return to “unsophisticated, simplistic, old school action” but what that translates as is ninety odd minutes of cinema devoid of characterisation, interesting plotting and a strong visual sense when it comes to action.
Stallone gives us an entire first and second act that, to my memory, roughly works out as follows: “Come on Rambo, come and help us poor missionaries?” “No!” “Please?” “No!” “Pretty Please?” “No!” “Oh go on!” “No!” “Oh go on, don’t be a spoilsport!” “No!” Cue long pause, which is filled by audience members internally screaming “GET THE FUCK ON THE BOAT AND START KILLING SOME GOOK-STEREOTYPES! NOW!” before Rambo eventually sighs, asks for the bottom of the boat to be reinforced as he’s ‘carrying a bit of excess around his body these days’ and then finally agrees.
The film thinks copious, unsettling amounts of bloodshed and gore are a worthy replacement for excitement and that racial stereotyping is the same as presenting a fully fleshed out villain for the hero to work against. Heck, I was surprised to find that at no point did Stallone run out of Asian actors to massacre and have to resort to having Americans run around whilst pulling their eyes into a slanted position and shouting “Ha-So, Ram-Boe!”
Anyway, to herald the return of the “unsophisticated, simplistic, old school actioner” is almost to suggest that such a return was needed. What’s wrong with the sophisticated, complex and modern entries in the genre that we have in The Bourne Trilogy, Casino Royale, the Die Hard sequels or The Kingdom for example?
Stallone’s latest Rambo should have developed with the ages and come out fighting, as opposed to trying to return us to that era where Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal were considered box office draws! First Blood is an unarguable vintage masterpiece within the action genre. Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III are both unloved by me but that’s not to say they don’t have their fans. This entry sits more comfortably with the latter films then coming anywhere close to matching the quality of the first film.
As a form of post-pub entertainment, this bounces perilously close to not just working but also becoming almost good in much the same way that Delta Force 2 isn’t a film you’d have on your DVD shelf but which you’d find good enough to watch on Bravo at two in the morning with eight pints of lager and a donner kebab in your gut. Rambo is not an outright awful film if I’m going to be kind but it is an enormously disappointing and pretty poor one.
When the action genre has experienced The Bourne Ultimatum, Die Hard 4.0 and The Kingdom in the last twelve months, why would we want to downscale to something like this? It’s a bit like being served five star quality steak dinners for a year but then suddenly being given a steaming turd fresh from a tramp’s arse on a plate!
10 Responses to “[MOVIE REVIEW] RAMBO”
THANK GOD! I gave it a bad review, and got my head ripped off! Now what? Huh? Huh? HUH?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, I liked Rocky Balboa. And I have never drank or plan to drink a frappochino, it’s whiskey or nothing at all.
I still haven’t seen it, but I still plan to.
I got the impression when you said there were a few questionable choices on my TOP 25 of the year that ROCKY 6 was what you were referring to. It couldn’t have been anything else lol
My bad!
Frappochinos… I mean… whiskeys on me!
Transformers. Probably a couple others.
Did you not rate TRANSFORMERS?!?
Really?!?
Oh, okay!
Well as long as we’re agreed on ROCKY 6 then I’ll let you off
Just as expected, I watched this recently whilst pissed out of my skull and you know what? I friggin loved the hell out of it! So, add another “popcorn” onto that rating when it comes to viewing RAMBO with alcohol pre-consumed!
Die Hard 4 was pretty bad.
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