LESSONS IN CARPENTERY: The Introduction!
In November of 2005, I had the stupid idea of having a ‘John Carpenter Marathon’. What was intended to be a night in watching only his “early good ones” whilst getting drunk to get over a bad break up, slowly turned in to something a lot more… ALL of his films in one sitting, with minimal breaks, from 0700am one morning through to 1243pm the following day!
Beer, snacks, cigarettes and a dictaphone to record my ramblings were all set-up and provided for me and the results were eventually published in a three part essay on Filmrot back at the tail-end of 2005, going on to result in much acclaim being passed my way from everyone as varied as Larry King’s secretary (!) to the then-editor of [the now defunct] Hotdog Magazine.
Not unfortunately from Mr John Carpenter himself though! Here, in it’s entirity, with a freshened, solo, introduction piece is LESSONS IN CARPENTERY!
I started out with a desire to take part in the ultimate one man movie marathon…… Well over twenty four hours later I had lowered myself to verbally urinating on the grave of Christopher Reeve, whilst obsessing over gratituous sexual liasons with any and all females that had ever starred in a John Carpenter film! Even the ugly ones!
Read all about one man’s descent into insanity via seventeen films and nearly thirty hours straight movie watching!
I don’t know why I love the films of John Carpenter. I can’t really explain it. I mean, I recently looked through the Carpenter subsection on my DVD database (please, don’t ask!) and it amazed me how many films held an average or a mediocre rating.I guess it must have something to do with the fact that stuck within those average or mediocre movies are flashes of directorial genius or real genre-making talent. It definitely has something to do with the, low budget student debut aside, ten year period between 1976 and 1986 when he made some of the most under-appreciated, brilliant slices of genre cinema the industry has ever seen. He’s an A-grade director forced to push his A-grade ideas into B-grade pigeonholes and play around with B-grade budgets. The fact that he adhered to this and managed to produce the Filmography that he has for that ten-year period makes me rate him as one of my favourite directors of all time.
Who else could take a low-budget slasher film made on demand and turn it into one of the most profitable independent films of all time? Who could challenge science fiction film making outright by taking a now much maligned one note high concept about an anti-hero forced to work for the government in an apocalyptic future, and make it for $5 million but make it look like $50 million? Who else but Carpenter could be the first off the bat to pull movies from his childhood and remake them with new technology and ideologies? Who could bring Eastern cinematic cultures over to a mainstream Western audience and force feed them to cinema goers in a popcorn bag marked ‘action, science fiction, martial arts, horror, romance, drama, thriller, comedy’? Would it be the same guy who then publicly and privately berated 20th Century Fox’s marketing department for not being able to handle said film - even though he himself to this day does not know how (with mid-80s marketing tools at his hands) he would go about getting a film like Big Trouble in Little China out there?
So in celebration of this man and his movies, and having found myself with a little time on my hands having been recently dumped, I decided to take part in the ultimate one-man movie marathon. Seventeen films! One thousand, five hundred and twenty nine minutes! One seat and screen! And only beer, cigarettes and whatever the takeaway man delivers to my door for company. Having set up a Dictaphone nearby to record my ramblings as the films go on, I rise from my bed for a 7am start and begin.
[Seeing as I am now writing this in the aftermath - tentatively transcribing some of the most random thought farts a man has ever drunkenly made - I can tell you that by 1245 the next afternoon I was drunker then I've been in a long time, I couldn't feel my legs but I had a movie viewing ball!]
Popcorn Ratings ExplainedRelated Posts:
- LESSONS IN CARPENTERY: Part 2 - The Jump Into The Fiery Pits Of Hell
- LESSONS IN CARPENTERY: Part 3 - The Final Descent Into Hell Itself
- LESSONS IN CARPENTERY: Part 1 - The Slow Climb To The Edge Of Hell
- OFF THE SHELF - Issue # 1: THE INTRODUCTION
- OFF THE SHELF - Issue # 2: THE JOHN CARPENTER COLLECTION
10 Responses to “LESSONS IN CARPENTERY: The Introduction!”
I think, even now, this was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on the internet. The paragraph that included the fried sandwich was gold!
I’m a huge Carpenter fan, I actually think if you consider his output up to Starman then it’s pretty much cinematic perfection. Perhaps not Bergman-perfection but surely a masterclass in populist, genre film-making? I love his movies. Especially Assault…, The Fog, Escape…, The Thing, Big Trouble…, and Starman.
Glad you put this back up, guys.
Awww, thanks James!
If I had the choice though, I’d rather go through the hell of this again then I would do OFF THE SHELF again! That shit is like pissing an elephant through my penis!
Not long to go now though - maybe only another five or six issues!
Yeah, but it’s been worth it. While some are perhaps more passionate than others (for example, your Spike Lee issue was brilliant and I totally related to it as a fellow Lee fan; whereas your Asian cinema issue had the tone of somebody who was curious about the cinema and well versed in some areas without ever really having dived in fully — understandably so. I like the mix of styles in that sense because it isn’t some omniscient critical voice, it’s personable and informed while also enthusiastic and inclusive). So I’m glad you pissed an elephant through your penis
Should you ever need someone to proof Off The Shelf or offer some editing here and there should you decide to try your hand at becoming a bestselling author (in addition to those folks closer at hand), I’m happy to help. I’m an English grad and prospective English teacher so I can at least spell!
Aww, I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve had written about OFF THE SHELF series James. Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.
Thanks for the offer too, I will keep that in mind. Fans of Wyv and I when we did the ill-fated FILMBLAH (the outtakes of which birthed this very website believe it or not!) will be aware that there are murmours of interest in turning the OLD CHILDHOOD FAVOURITES issue(s) into a book so once OFF THE SHELF is completed, that is my NEXT task!
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