[DVD Review (R2)] WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (2007)

Let’s get something in perspective here; Jonathan Hensleigh wrote Die Hard with a Vengeance, Jumanji and Armageddon. He wrote and directed the much-maligned (but kinda liked by me) Punisher flick with Thomas Jane in it. He script-doctored and executive-produced many a great late 90s Bruckheimer flick. The general feeling is that if you’re the sort of dude that is partial to an occasional slice of big, cheesy action extravaganze then Hensleigh is a guy who’s hand you’d like to shake.

Hensleigh is married to Gale Anne Hurd. You know her right? She is the producer who has worked tirelessly to assist in bringing the likes of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Hulk, Armageddon, The Relic, The Ghost and the Darkness, Raising Cain, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Tremors, The Abyss, Alien Nation, Aliens and The Terminator to the big screen.

You gotta think to yourself “Man, when Hensleigh and Hurd bring something to the party, it’s got to be good right?”

Right? Right? Erm… Hello? I said “When Hensleigh and Hurd bring something to the party, it’s got to be good right?” Hell-Oh?!?

This is the worst piece of shit I have ever saw. I swear to God. I’m not exaggerating. I have seen some shite in my time. Hell, I own (and occasionally watch - when very, very drunk) Weekend At Bernies AND Super Mario Bros. But this film well and truly takes the biscuit.

It’s inept, nonsensical, trashy and an absolute embarrassment from start to finish. I’m no particular fan of The Blair Witch Project but seeing this film try so desperately to crib from that movie, by way of Cannibal Holocaust, makes me yearn for it in the same way I yearn for my girlfriend’s hands down by trousers!

Alleging itslef to be the “found recorded remains” of two young couples who had headed into the New Guinea wilderness in an effort to find Michael Rockefeller, the heir to the Rockefeller fortune who disappeared in 1961, only to have found themselves captured and killed by a cannibal tribe, what this actually amounts to is over an hour and ten minutes of thoroughly talentless models-turned-actors (hopefully models-turned-actors for ONE gig only!) wandering around arguing inanely, splitting up and then getting killed in thoroughly redundant ways.

This is cheap, idiotic film-making where the “truth” of having it done in video-diary format is repeatedly betrayed to suit the needs of the guy in the director’s chair. One character gets hit in the leg with a spear and pans down (I’m not making this up!) in perfect zoom-in mode to capture the wound, whilst screaming. The ending sees one of the untainted-by-man cannibals PICK THE CAMCORDER UP and film the ‘terrifying, secret, final revelation’.

I just cannot express how resolutely diabolical this piece of shit film is. I could even write the words “No Popcorns” at the bottom of the review and it still would seem too generous. The only way I can describe this film in its awfulness is that if it woke up one morning and found the entire world made of ‘popcorn’ and the bed it was lying on was made of ‘popcorn’, and the floor it walked on was made of ‘popcorn’ and its clothes was made of ‘popcorn’ and…

IT STILL WOULDN’T GET ANY ‘POPCORN’.

But, we’re nothing if not kind here at Stale Popcorn, so stay tuned to find out how YOU, yes you, can win yourself a copy of Welcome To The Jungle on DVD.

*sigh*

Posted on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 6:00 pm under DVD Reviews (R2) by Gazz.
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3 Responses to “[DVD Review (R2)] WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (2007)”

Grundy Said on May 8th, 2008 at 8:22 pm 1

Yeah, it’s a piss poor cannibal movie.

They really should have given him a shot at doing Live Free or Die Hard, seeing as how Die Hard with a Vengeance is the second best movie in the series.

Gazz Said on May 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am 2

FINALLY! Someone gives DH3 the recognition it deserves. It IS the best DH sequel. I also love the Hensleigh driven alternative endin where they play ’simon says’ with the rocket launcher. I just cannot believe the sheer awfulness of this flick though - Hensleigh is a good scribe and there were brief moments in Punisher that showed he had capabilities as a director. Hurd is a solid producer too with more hits then misses. How the **** could they make such a dog of a movie? And boy is it a dog!

Grundy Said on May 10th, 2008 at 12:08 am 3

Hensleigh’s first draft of the Punisher sequel, it wasn’t perfect and need shit cut out of it. But, it was far less ridiculous then Lexi Alexander’s script, she has the Punisher balancing a chair on one leg and spinning around, like he was in the ****ing Matrix.

I can see why Jane decided to leave the movie.