[DVD Review (R2)] THE GOLDEN COMPASS

I’m the ideal person to write a review for The Golden Compass as a film, having never read any of the Philip Pullman books that this is allegedly “Part One” of a trilogy from. I’m also the dude who doesn’t get his dick hard by fantasy flicks but who, none the less, has sat through the likes of Eragon, The Dark Is Rising, Stormbreaker, Spiderwick Chronicles etc. for a variety of reasons (bored, free ticket, hiding from the law, hiding from the girlfriend, looking for somewhere with air conditioning etc.). So you can trust me when I tell you that I’m judging this solely as a film and not through any affiliation with the much-cherished Pullman books (a friend of mine calls him “the greatest author alive today”).

First things first. This movie beat Transformers to a Best Effects Oscar? Seriously? Honestly? That wasn’t some practical joke like the time they give Catherine Whore Jones a Best Supporting Actress Oscar because the Academy felt sorry for her as they thought she’d got obese comfort eating her way around the moral wasteland that is ’sleeping with a pensioner to raise your profile and to get some cash’ and then they went and found out she wasn’t fat, just pregnant, by which point Catherine was pushing Michael Douglas’ wheelchair to the Vanity Fair party whilst screaming “Suckers!”

Anyway, I digress…

The Golden Compass is an awful film. I really found it to be an almost useless, confusing, rather banal piece of cinematic fare. I haven’t got much more to say then that. (Hence my rather silly Catherine Zeta Jones gaggery frontloaded at the start of the review) I thought it was boring and uninvolving and this was enforced by a director who made an “epic opening chapter” minus any zeast or zeal at all, and a cast of respected actors like Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Eva Green and Sam Shepard who looked suitably bored, embarrassed and, in some cases, asleep with their eyes open.

And, really, the less said about Dakota Blue Richards the better. This is one of the worst child performances I’ve seen in some time. And I’ve seen Curly Sue three times in my life time. Richards has a god-awful stupid name and no talent. She was picked from millions for this role? What? Are you sure that she wasn’t picked from the line of millions because the casting agent looked at her name and said “Pull her out of the line. I want to kick her in the mouth!” but then something got a little confusing, she went through the wrong door and ended up in this movie by accident whilst Dakota Fanning is lying in an alley somewhere with her teeth shoed in by some nameless casting agent. Surely that’s a plausible enough explanation huh?

I fell asleep three times watching this but, knowing that I had to review it for the site, I continually went back to the beginning to watch it fully and fairly. I needn’t have bothered. This was an almighty flop for New Line and you can understand why. It’s just flat out not a very good film.

Rumour has it that New Line, newly owned by Warner Bros, are willing to throw everything on the line - even despite poor DVD sales - to bankroll Chapter 2 of this franchise. I urge them not to. Seriously. If Dreamworks aren’t prepared to take a chance on more Lemony Snicket movies, despite the fact that the under-performed first film has now taken on HUGE cult appeal, then you should follow their lead. They’re not even prepared to make a second movie on a flop that people actually want. When die hard Pullman fans are begging you to leave the franchise alone, you really should listen!

I’ll put it another way for you all. You know what a shallow little fiend I am at heart right? You all know that my dick would get immensely erect at the prospect of a film with polar bears kicking seven shades of shite out of each other, whilst wearing armour. So believe me when I tell you that this film failed to excite me in a way not witnessed since I saw pictures of Wyverex… sorry Gareth (Mk II)… buck naked in the shower!

A truly incompetent and really rather naff piece of blockbuster filmmaking!

Posted on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 8:00 am under DVD Reviews (R2) by Gazz.
Think we're full of shit? Agree, disagree or just want to share your opinion? Then leave a comment.
Trackback.