I have been trying my very hardest to ignore this plague sweeping the globe, but the problem has become so prominent that I cannot ignore it any longer. The Twilight infestation needs to be addressed. Now, if you’ve been reading any of my comments over at The Movie Blog, then you know my thoughts on this upcoming disaster. I cannot stand this garbage. I despise the books. I despises the screeching fans who blindly worship at the throne of Edward and Bella. I despise how the cinematographer has insisted upon using a blue filter for the entire film, if the trailer is any indication. But most of all, I despise the message that this sort of tripe sends.
I’m a feminist and proud of it. I’m not a bra-burner or a man-hater, but I am aware of media portrayals of females and how negative the vast majority of them are. When the Twilight disease first began to spread, I had no real problem with it. I found it to be quite amusing to watch how my female friends were going bananas over it. Then the plague hit home. My little sister became infected, and attempted to pass the disease on to me. I lost a bet with her and had to read the books, and to be honest, I was horrified at what I was reading. Not only do these books read like a tween’s first wet dream (odd since the author, Stephanie Meyer, is a grown woman), but the content was crap to say the least.
For you lucky few who have no clue about what these books or the upcoming epic fail of a film is about, lemme give you a brief overview of this garbage. Bella is a normal teen girl who falls madly in love with Edward, an immortal vampire. Not only can they not have sex without Edward potentially going berserk and killing her mid-coitus, she’s also got an enemy group of vamps gunning for her to get to Edward. This Bella chick is so determined to be with this guy that she’s willing to become a vampire. I have to say that the descriptions of Edward in the book literally made me laugh aloud: “skin like marble” that “sparkles” in the sunlight. Yeah, these vamps go out in the sun. Don’t ask why. He also has eyes like “liquid, golden topaz”. Liquid. Golden. Topaz. Tween wet dream, I told you!
It’s nothing that we haven’t seen before, but what really gets to me is how the characters in this book are portrayed, and how giddily young girls and even grown women respond to them. Let’s start with our heroine, Bella. She’s so weak that it is nauseating, frankly. She literally does nothing in these books except get attacked repeatedly, cry and whine over her boyfriend’s refusal to do her, jumps off a cliff because she hears his voice in her head when she’s in danger, get attacked again, and then experience one of the most traumatic birth scenes in the history of all literature. Rosemary’s Baby doesn’t have squat on this nightmare. This girl is somehow impregnated by Edward with some monster baby that breaks her ribs when it kicks in the womb. The book never explains how an undead guy can get a girl preggo, but I digress. She vomits, and I quote directly here, “fountains of blood” during her pregnancy. And then, that aforementioned birth scene where her beloved Edward rips her stomach open with his fangs in order to deliver the baby. Catch me, I”m swooning!
I’m tired of watching weak women running around who are in constant need of rescue. This is the same problem that I have with just about every action/superhero movie ever made, but this Twilight mess tries to make Bella’s constant broken bones to be some sort of romantic badge of honor. I do not want to watch the adventures of a spineless, idiotic girl willing to die to be with an abusive boyfriend just because he has sparkly skin. Yes, I said abusive. The character of Edward Cullen is possessive, jealous, and controlling, and the amount of teen girls who find this character to be a dreamboat seriously disturbs me. He repeatedly isolates Bella from her family and friends, declares that only he can defend her, threatens to KILL HIMSELF if he is separated from her, and even goes so far as to destroy her car at one point to keep her from seeing a male friend. I actually saw a commercial for the movie where Edward says to Bella, “YOU are my life now”. I didn’t swoon. I cringed. Does any of this sound romantic to anyone with half a brain? It’s not sweet. It’s unhealthy, disturbing, stalker behavior, and no, I’m not reading too much into these stories. That is what this shit is. Don’t get me started on Bella’s other male friend, Jacob the werewolf, who forces himself on Bella at one point in the series, and then decides to “imprint” himself on her newborn baby. Since, you know, if you can’t have the woman you want, laying claim on her newborn daughter is the next-best thing. Can you handle all this romance?! Can you?!
To be honest, I do not think that I could review the Twilight movie objectively. I already have such an intense bias against this property that a film that reportedly follows the first book to the letter isn’t going to change my negative feelings toward this series. It goes far deeper than just being annoyed by a bunch of screaming fans. This sort of stuff is insulting to me as a young woman, as a lover of good books and good films, and as a member of the human race, and I refuse to waste two hours of my life sitting through this. The horror begins this Thanksgiving, and I’m thankful that I’ll be too busy stuffing my face and shopping to set foot anywhere near a movie theater. Twilight is coming. God help us all.